things i'm thinking about

a list of sorts

Last Thursday I attended my first ‘Circle’ held by

Chelsea Madeline

. We all gathered on Zoom and reflected on questions Chelsea had come up with. The final question was “what are you thinking about,” and while I provided an answer at the time, I can’t seem to get this question out of my head.

I know it sounds obvious; we’re all constantly thinking about something. But it’s been a while since someone directly asked what was weighing on my brainspace, which as we know, is in direct relationship with our hearts. In the week since Circle, I haven’t stopped asking myself this question. It’s like the floodgates opened, and I noticed, with an intentionality I haven’t had in years, what was truly running through my mind.

The following list is in no particular order, and straight from my journal.

• Indigenous tribes and living frameworks in Native American culture. How this is mimicked by and differs from the rise in commune-centered living today.

• The vulnerability in asking for help. Unlearning parental patterns of doing everything by yourself or on your own. Reimagining what it means to pick yourself up your bootstraps.

• The sprig of lavender I took from Meena’s yoga ceremony and pressed in the pages of this journal, how every time I open it to write the scent hits me and I instantly feel calmer.

• The ‘you’ before chronic illness, the you during, and the you after. I don’t know who I will be after since I’m still very much in it. Is there an ‘after’? One of the hardest parts is the unknowing. The space in between spells of well + unwell, when you’re waiting and taking stock of every minor feeling, every throb of pain. Cancelling and rescheduling future plans just in case. Preemptively un-attaching yourself, pulling away, deferring dreams.

• Thinking about Meena’s speech during the tea and journaling portion of her gathering. How she was reclaiming space, reclaiming her birthright in the indigenous practice of yoga. Thinking about all the ways we stray and come back to our ancestors, their silent and steady and often worn hands on our shoulders. Wondering what my birthright is, what I can reclaim.

• Runaways Collective as a physical, IRL community. Em + Meena floating the idea of a sleepaway camp and it felt like magic before the imposter syndrome crept in. Can I lead in that way? Do I have the tools to create a positive and safe environment for women to explore and connect with nature and eachother?

• ICE out of LA. Been thinking about creating a fundraiser for immigration defense funds and street vendor’s venmo’s so they can stay home. I want to channel my shaky hands and restless sinking into something concrete and real. Hopefully more on this soon.

• The true simplicity of community. It doesn’t have to be an endeavor. We show up to the barbecue; ‘i’m not sure if they’re my people,’ my sister says. ‘yes, but they’re people,’ I answer.

• LA vs NY, with the end goal being Spain. Why do women have to run on timelines? Once again, I just want to run away.

• Free food. I’m literally always just thinking about free food.

• Wyoming, Montana, Big Sky Country. Room to breathe and soak in the stars. The sensitivity of horses, spirit weavers. Alternate timelines where I grew up country, my whole life is a ranch and I’ve never wanted anything more.

• ‘No Broke Boys’ by Tinashe + Disco Lines. Everytime it comes on I fantasize about grabbing Liv and flying to Ibiza and dancing our butts off. When was the last time I danced with abandon? To good music? In a safe place? People don’t dance anymore. We’re too hyper aware, too self conscious of becoming fodder for ridicule or ending up on some social media page shaming us for moving our bodies. For living.

• How I don’t have the energy anymore to not show up exactly how I am. People ask ‘how are you’ and if I’m not fine I don’t lie. I’m silly with strangers like I’m silly with my friends. In the moment, I can’t bring myself to care. Later I’ll spiral about my candor. Sometimes personality isn’t for everyone.

• Reevaluating what kinds of friends I want around me and what kinds of voices I want to be hearing from. Craving + seeking more BIPOC community and wisdom. Redesigning my expectations, taking steps back when things that breed resentment don’t go away. Not everyone has to be your best friend.

• The conversation with Beatrice in her cozy studio about Palestine. How do we connect struggle and create sustained community? Leaving the door open for those who are late to the game but will come around eventually. All the shame involved in silence and all the shame involved in speaking up. How our conversation felt like a weighted blanket or ASMR and when I got home I realized it had occurred during the point in which today’s full moon in Capricorn reached its peak. The cosmic alignment of sitting with someone who shares your values, and is so open and honest about it. There’s no time to tiptoe.

• You can’t create community from your couch. You can’t create systems of care from your bedroom floor. You have to leave the house. Often times, the scariest thing is walking out the front door.

Thanks again Chelsea for posing these questions. I invite anyone who read to this point to notice what you’re thinking about. What patterns/themes emerge?

All my love,

Olivia